A Tale of Pirate Shenny
by devilbk
Summary: A slightly late entry for Risknight's Talk Like A Pirate Day challenge. Three men find themselves on the Isle of Tortuga in a world of pirates. And guess who the meanest, nastiest pirate of them all is. AU, OOC and possibly most terrifying of all, Shenny. Also some naughty words. A little remedy for the recent onslaught of Shamy slush.


_A/N: A bit late for Risknight's TLAPD challenge. I'm sorry but I have a really good excuse, potential employment. I almost put it on the side, never to be completed (maybe next year) but SpaceAnJL asked me to finish it for her birthday, so here it is. _

**A Tale of Pirate Shenny**

_(with apologies to Bertolt Brecht, Kurt Weill and Phil Ochs)_

The three men wandered the winding cobblestone streets until they came upon a tavern.

"Well, this looks like the place, _Pleasures of the Harbour_." said the bespectacled one.

"I don't know. It looks a bit scary," his dusky companion responded.

"C'mon, Raj. We've been on the island of Tortuga for three weeks and all we've done is work in the shop. Our customers said we'd find some comely wenches here," added the short one.

"Howard, all that you'll do with comely wenches is stare at them and possibly say something crass to them that will likely get you stabbed with one of those giant knives they carry."

"Cutlasses, Raj. Run though with a cutlass. If we're going to live amongst pirates we need to learn their lingo."

"If it involves something pointy being inside me I'd prefer not learning about it."

"Well, I am hungry and I do hear women laughing inside. What do we have to lose?"

"Our lives."

The three men slowly walked through the door. Suddenly everything was much louder. There was music playing, glasses clinking, men yelling and women laughing. Beautiful women. Very beautiful women. Very beautiful very drunk half-undressed women. They quickly found a table and sat down.

"We've died and gone to heaven, gentlemen. Do you see all the beautiful women in here?"

"Yeah, Howard. I see them. And I bet you won't say a single word to any of them. And I know Raj won't."

"Just wait until we have a pint or two. This guy is not going home alone tonight."

"Of course you're not going home alone. You're going home with us. We live together."

"Now, do we go up to the bar or…"

Suddenly Leonard saw the most beautiful woman in the tavern, a bosomy blond with an infectious smile and a low-cut blouse and she was heading right towards them.

"Howard, I take it back. This was a great idea!"

Howard and Raj turned to see what their friend was staring at.

"Our babies will be smart and beautiful."

"Leonard, want to give it a minute? You don't even know her name."

Suddenly she came right up to their table. She leaned over and as the three men stared at her cleavage she said, "Hi, I'm Penny. I'll be your serving wench tonight. What can I getcha?"

Leonard was unable to say a word. Oddly, Raj, who was usually silent, spoke up.

"What do you recommend?"

"Well, it's not like we have a big menu. We have grog."

"Ooh, grog will go right to my hips," complained Raj. "Do you have any grog light?"

"I'll see what I can do."

"Um, we'd also like to eat. Do you serve food?"

"What kind of a serving wench would I be if I didn't serve you food? We have a nice, hearty stew tonight, which is pretty much what we have every night. And later, if you're interested in dessert, I'll hook you up."

"We'd like three servings of stew and three grogs and, um, we're new in town so we'd appreciate it if you'd tell us all about the port and yourself too."

"Well, the Captain doesn't like it when I speak to strangers but you guys seem harmless. Why don't I get you your order and as soon as I get a break I'll join you for a couple of minutes, okay?"

Penny left and went up to the bar.

"Hey Zack! Three stews and three grogs! And water down the grogs!"

_Back at the table_

"See, she _likes_ me," said Leonard.

"You're a customer and she wants a big tip. Of course she's going to be nice."

"She said she'd join us. Why would she do that?"

"Because she wants a big tip or perhaps determine where we live so she can rob us."

"She's not a thief."

"Leonard, everyone on this island is a criminal. Of course she's a thief."

"I don't believe it. She's the woman I'm going to marry."

"Leonard, I'm pretty sure you're not going to like how this turns out."

"Well, I'm positive we'll be very happy together. Now be quiet. Here she comes."

"Okay boys. Here's your stew and three grog lights. Hope you enjoy it. I'll be back in a little while."

Leonard could not take his eyes off Penny as she circulated around the tavern, talking and laughing. She seemed to know everybody. After a while she came back and sat down with the three men.

"So, gentlemen, what brings you to Tortuga. I'm bettin' you aren't pirates like most of our customers."

"Well, we were just passing through but needed to go to the Apothecary for some medicines and struck up a conversation with the woman running the place."

"Oh yeah. Old Lady Vartabedian. Too bad about what happened to her husband."

"She said he had an accident."

"Well, sort of. He apparently walked into a cutlass. We were all pretty broken up about it. But, then again, he was overcharging for the aspic."

"So anyway, she asked us if we might be interested in buying the place from her and the price was pretty good so we did. And there's rooms upstairs that we live in."

"So we're sort of neighbors."

"Friendly neighbors we hope."

"Well, everyone's fairly friendly here up to a point."

"So tell us about yourself, Penny."

"Not much to tell. I work here. I live upstairs."

"There must be more."

"Not really. I've been working here since I was fifteen. That's pretty much all I do. And take care of the Captain."

"Excuse me," Raj interrupted, "but you've referred to The Captain twice now. Who is he? Is he here?"

"Captain Cooper is the wiliest, meanest, nastiest pirate in these parts. He's been out pirating but he should be back any time now. And I _always_ try to make sure he's happy. You wouldn't want to meet the Captain when he's not happy."

Leonard grew alarmed.

"Does that mean…"

"That I let him have his way with me? Like most of the wenches here I've been known to let the boys have their way with me. For a price. And I've had my way with them. If _that's _what you boys are looking for most of the girls here would be happy to help you out. See that one over there with the spectacles? That's Amy. She'd probably take on all three of you."

Howard quickly got up from the table and headed straight for Amy.

"Not to be rude, but why don't you…"

"I figured seven years on my back was enough. Decided to wait for my true love. Oh, I'll still have the occasional tussle, don't get me wrong."

"So if, say, I were to ask you out…"

"I don't think so Leonard. We just met. And, well, I can be a little aggressive. Captain says on a scale from zero to five, I'm a big 'ol five. I suspect you prefer gentle. I suggest you speak to one of the other girls. Maybe Priya. Or Stephanie. Maybe Ramona."

Leonard looked disappointed.

Suddenly the door to the tavern slammed shut and the tavern was silent.

Standing at the door was a tall man dressed all in black. Black boots. Tight black pants. A black puffy shirt. A large hat with a black feather and a yellow lightning bolt. And around his waist was a thick black belt and scabbard with a big cutlass, probably also black.

"That must be the Captain." Raj whispered to Leonard.

The Captain surveyed the room with a look of haughty derision. As his gaze reached the boys' table it found Penny. His eyes brightened and hint of a smile shown on his lips. She squealed, jumped up and ran to the tall, lanky man and wrapping her arms around his neck hugged him tight. The Captain put her down, gave her a peck on the cheek and headed upstairs. Penny followed.

A short time later the wench Penny had pointed out called Amy came by the table.

"Would you boys like some more grog?"

"But Penny's our serving wench. We should probably wait for her." responded Leonard, hoping the woman who would soon be the woman of his dreams would return soon.

"Yeah, Penny's done for the night. At least down here. She's with the Captain now."

"Are they…?"

"To be honest, none of us really knows. All we do know is that since the Captain bought the tavern and put Penny in charge she stopped servicing customers, even regulars. She won't even tell us what's going on between the two of them but whenever he's here they're together. What we also know is that right after the Captain put her in charge and we all started making more money. So we don't ask."

"So Penny is a…"

"She's a whore, just like the rest of us. And she is really good. When I first came here I didn't know a thing about whoring. She taught me everything I know including lots of neat tricks. Sometimes we even worked together. I really enjoyed that. I miss it."

"Are all of the women here…"

"Available? Pretty much. Are you interested?"

"I'm not sure. My friends may be…"

"But you'd rather wait for Penny and try your luck with her?"

"Yeah. I think I would."

"Well I won't tell you that it'll never happen, but I think it's rather unlikely. And there's the Captain to consider."

"So if in the meantime…"

"I'm perfectly willing to help you out with whatever needs you may have. Would you like to go upstairs, out to the alley in back, somewhere else?"

"Let me speak to my friends and I'll let you know."

_Meanwhile, upstairs in the Captain's quarters._

"You know, you could smile and say hello to people when you come in instead of acting all high and mighty like everyone is beneath you."

"Everyone is beneath me, Penny. Additionally, if I deigned to speak to the assembled drunken multitude downstairs I'd have to speak like a pirate and I just absolutely refuse to do that. I'm an educated man after all."

"Yes, I'm well aware of that PROFESSOR DOCTOR Captain Cooper."

"Besides, I have nothing in common with anyone down there. Why should I spend any time with them at all?"

"You have nothing in common with me yet we spend an awful lot of time together."

"Penny, I have very strong feelings for you. They transcend the difference in our backgrounds."

"You say that but you don't act that way. All I ever get from you is a little peck on the cheek. You know that I could do much more to make you happy."

"Penny, we've been over this. I am uncomfortable with physicality and the threat of infection. And considering your profession I believe it great progress that I am able to kiss you on your cheek even though you have assured me that you take great care to avoid disease and infection. I do, however, wish to work toward having a carnal relationship with you. Perhaps we'll even be wed someday."

"But while you're working I have to wait. You know those guys I was sitting with would have given me a tumble."

"Penny, giving up whoring was your decision. Though I am not a great fan of the profession if you recall I advised you against stopping for business reasons. According to Old Man Gabelhauser's ledgers you singlehandedly kept this tavern open at times. Now you are in a position to profit from your own work. And according to you you enjoyed your work."

"Well, I did enjoy a lot of it, that's true. So if I decided to go back to whoring you wouldn't have a problem?"

"Not at all."

Penny could see the telltale twitch on the Captain's face that told her he was lying.

"So maybe I will."

"As I said Penny, it is your decision. I don't need to know about the details. How's business been this week?"

"Pretty good. All of your taverns are doing well."

"Penny, how many times must I tell you that they are _your_ taverns. I have no use for them. I had no other use for the extensive treasure Captain Teach has sent my way. In a relatively short time you will be wealthy enough to do whatever you wish."

"Sheldon, I wish to be with you and make you happy."

"Every time I see you, I'm happy. Every moment I spend with you, I'm happy. You already make me happy."

"I know I could make you happier. Much happier."

"All in good time, my dear. All in good time."

_Back downstairs_

Leonard continued to ask Amy about Penny and the Captain.

"So you said Penny has been here for a long time. When did the Captain come into the picture?"

"Well, a couple of years ago Old Captain Teach, you might know him as Blackbeard, was holding forth in the tavern when his men brought in a prisoner. They'd captured him on a boat bound for the colonies. They were planning to kill him but wanted Teach to decide how. They brought him before the old pirate and Teach asks him:

"So, me boy, how is it ye wish to end yer life, quickly and painlessly or slowly and with great pain? Remember that we pirates enjoys our entertainment."

And the prisoner answered:

"I would prefer not to die at all if you don't mind. And in exchange, I believe I can help you increase your profits and guarantee there will be no mutiny amongst your crews."

"Teach, a greedy bastard if there ever was one, was curious so he asked the prisoner to join him at his table and explain. By the end of the evening, Teach had made him a Captain, given him his own boat, and put him in charge of all pirate business dealings."

"What happened then?"

"Profits went up. Mutinies went down. Everybody was happy and Old Captain Teach pretty much retired and put Captain Cooper in charge."

"What about him and Penny?"

"That's a little more involved. Like I told you before, Penny is a whore, probably the most popular one here. There was a pirate bastard called Kurt and she was his favorite. He was one of those that liked to hire the two of us. He'd watch us and play with himself and then when Penny and I were done he'd send me away. Penny never told me about what happened then. My guess is that it wasn't very pleasant."

"What about the Captain?"

"I'm getting to it. One night Kurt was down here playing cards and the Captain decided to join in. Kurt started losing badly to him. He didn't like it. He called Penny over and told her to go under the table. She didn't want to."

"I don't understand."

Howard whispered into Leonard's ear.

"Oh."

"Anyway, Penny didn't want to service Kurt in front of everyone in the tavern and she said so. Kurt got up, grabbed her, pushed her under the table and started to unhitch his leggings. At that point, Captain Cooper stood up. "The young lady does not wish to pleasure you orally, sir. Please allow her to go," he said. Kurt says mind your own business. The Captain says no. I refuse to play with you any further, he says. Kurt demands that he get a chance to win his money back and that Penny is his good luck charm. He plays better when he's satisfied. The Captain says no and begins to walk toward the stairs. Kurt pulls out his pistol and is about to shoot the Captain when the Captain draws his cutlass and cuts Kurt's hand off, gun and all."

"Wow. What happened then?"

"Kurt's men took him away. The Captain invited Penny to join him upstairs in his rooms. We didn't see either of them until a couple of days after that when Penny moved into the rooms across the hall from the Captain. And a few weeks later the Captain bought the tavern and gave it to her."

"So she isn't just a serving wench?"

"She still helps out when we need it."

"With the other thing too?"

"Like I said before, we don't know. You're welcome to ask her. Of course it's entirely possible that she'll cut yer balls off if you do. Penny has a bit of a temper."

That night the three men went home alone. However, over the succeeding weeks Howard availed himself of nearly every wench in the tavern but Penny. And Raj was doing well with the ladies too. They liked that he was quiet and polite and didn't speak like a pirate. Leonard, however, spent as much time as he could with Penny, hoping he could wear her down. When he heard that Captain Cooper was away for a few days he knew that would be his best chance.

The three men walked into the tavern and Penny greeted them.

"Hello boys. Would you like your regular table?

"We would. And please join us when you can."

A short time later Penny sat down with Leonard. Raj and Howard had busied themselves with Bernie and Ramona.

"Penny, I was wondering if we could talk about a kind of delicate subject."

"You want to talk about me being a whore again."

"Well, yeah."

"And you want to talk about why I won't fuck you."

"Well, not that bluntly, but yeah."

"Okay. At first I started whoring because it was the only way for a girl to survive around here. Then I discovered I kind of liked it."

"But according to Amy you haven't worked the tavern for months and your only customer is the Captain."

"Well, Amy should keep her big mouth shut. And the Captain is not my customer. He's my partner. In business and, eventually I hope, in life too."

"I don't understand."

"I'm guessing that Amy told you about my first meeting with the Captain."

"Yeah, about him cutting off that guy's hand."

"Well, after I followed him up to his rooms I expected that he would avail himself of my services."

"Didn't he?"

"No. He talked to me. We talked to each other. All night and well into the next day. We talked about me and we talked about him, none of which I will share with you. And then, after we both got some sleep…"

"Wait a second, I thought you implied you didn't sleep with him."

"We slept. We didn't fuck. We slept. And that really isn't any of your business."

"Um, okay. So what happened then?"

"Then he started teaching me stuff."

"Sex stuff?"

"No. He started teaching me about running a business and accountancy and other manager-y things."

"I don't understand."

"He asked me about where I was living. I told him I was sharing a room with a couple of the other girls but that we also used it for work and it was getting to be a bit tight because of the scheduling. He said he'd take care of it and later that day told me he'd rented the rooms across the hall for me. I asked him whether that meant I was his whore exclusively and he said no and went back to teaching me stuff about running a business."

"I don't understand."

"Neither did I until a few weeks later. Gabelhauser, the guy who owned the tavern and was sort of in charge of us whores said he was leaving and that there was going to be a new owner. Well. We all knew what that meant. We'd all have to make the new owner happy. And then the new owner walked in and it was the Captain. Well, to be honest I just wanted to be first in line but we were all curious about how he was going to run the place. We'd heard stories about how other pirates ran their businesses and how they treated their women and some of them were pretty frightening. Finally, Amy got up the courage to ask him whether he was going to be making any changes. Do you know what he said?"

"No."

"He said _Ask Penny. She's in charge_. And that was when I knew why he was teaching me all that stuff. When we went upstairs I asked him why."

"And?"

"He said he thought that I should be in charge of my own life. And then he said he really had no business owning a tavern and he gave it to me."

"And then you had sex with him."

"Oh, believe me, I would have. But no. And I'm not going to tell you any more about that."

"So, if you're not having sex with the Captain or anyone else and you like having sex what are you doing?"

"I spend most of my time making sure this place and the three other taverns the Captain bought and gave me are making a profit, that the girls aren't mistreated, and that the customers are happy."

"But you aren't doing anything to make yourself happy."

"Leonard, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. And I love the Captain more than anything. And someday…"

"Penny, lots of things can happen someday. I'm talking about now."

"Leonard, are you still trying to convince me to bed you?"

"I plan to keep trying until I succeed, Penny. After all, I love you."

"Well, I don't mind the attention, but you really don't have a shot. Now, if Howard wasn't bedding a different wench every night and Raj wasn't dipping his wick in Bernie I might consider taking on all three of you for fun."

"Are you serious, Penny. 'Cause I could talk with Raj and Howard."

"Well, if you convince them come find me and I'll consider it." Penny laughed as she got up from the table. She had spoken to the girls that Howard had bedded and she knew he didn't like to be naked in front of other men. But she figured she'd give Leonard something to distract him for the evening. Penny also wondered whether she might take Leonard up on his offer. After all, it had been months since she'd been with a man and she had no idea how long it would be before the Captain came around.

Suddenly there was a commotion at the door. Penny looked over. A small group of men was standing over a bloodied customer and in the middle of the group was Kurt. He looked straight at Penny.

"So I understands yer protector is away. Me boys and me thought we'd come by and have us some fun. C'mon Penny, me sweetie. Let's go upstairs and have some fun. And bring your friend Amy too. I'd like to see a show first."

"The Captain will kill you for this."

"Well your Captain ain't here now. Now upstairs or we'll wreck the place and kill anyone in our way."

Penny and Amy headed up the stairs followed by Kurt and his three men.

Howard and Raj rejoined Leonard at the table.

"Should we do something?" asked Raj.

"What could we do? Try to interfere and get ourselves killed? Or worse?" Howard answered.

"I think we should probably leave. Those guys looked pretty mean," added Raj.

The three men quickly made their way out of the tavern and were on the way back to their apartment over the Apothecary when they saw a large black shadow headed toward them. It was the Captain returning from his business away.

"Should we say something to him?"

"I don't think so."

"We should say something. That guy might hurt Penny."

"She's doing her job, Raj."

"I don't care, Leonard. I'm going to say something."

As the Captain grew closer Raj approached him.

"Excuse me, but there is something going on at the tavern we believe you should be aware of."

"What?" the Captain answered gruffly.

"That guy Kurt whose hand you cut off is there with some other men and they took Penny upstairs."

All of the authority seems to leave the Captain and he slumped.

"Oh my." he said.

"Wait a minute. You're supposed to be a big, scary pirate captain. Your best girl has been dragged away by another man so he can have his way with her and all you can say is _Oh my_. What kind of pirate are you?"

"To be honest, not a terribly good one. I'm more of a business manager. I've helped Blackbeard and his men make more money in the past year than they did in the ten years previous by better organizing their forays, equitably distributing the booty, improving working conditions and generally making their piracy more efficient. But, to be honest, I'd much rather be teaching."

"Teaching what?"

"The sciences. I have two doctorates and am well qualified to teach all manner of subjects."

"Then why…"

"Because I prefer living to dying. And because I am a man in love."

"Penny?"

"From the moment I first saw her."

"And you'd let that Kurt have his way with her? You've beaten him before. You cut his hand off."

"That was an accident. I didn't mean to. I was drawing my cutlass for show, hopefully to scare him, and it slipped. I don't believe that I could do anything with Kurt's men now but die at their hands."

"Listen Captain."

"You may call me Sheldon."

"Okay, Sheldon. Wait a minute. Sheldon Cooper? Professor Sheldon Cooper?"

"Yes."

"I've read your monographs on the origins of the universe. They're brilliant."

"Of course they are. What is your point?"

"You have to rescue Penny. She loves you."

"And I her. But I suspect that she would prefer I remain living."

"That Kurt had a really mean look in his eye. I think he's planning to kill someone or someones tonight and I don't think he much cares who."

"So you believe Penny may be in real danger?"

"I do."

"What can we do?"

Raj volunteered to go back to the tavern and see what was going on. He returned a few minutes later.

"Penny, Amy and Kurt are still upstairs in her rooms. Kurt's three men are on guard outside the door. The girls heard them mumbling about being next."

Sheldon looked alarmed.

"I don't believe I can get past three armed men and then deal with Kurt."

"I have an idea," said Leonard. "Wait here, I'll be back soon."

Leonard returned a short time later with some packets and powders.

"If we can get the three guys outside Penny's room to drink something with this in it they'll be out for hours."

"How do we get them to do that?" asked Sheldon.

"I believe I have an idea," Howard answered. "Let's go."

The four men returned to an almost-empty tavern. Nobody wanted to be around when Kurt and his men came downstairs. A few minutes after they returned they heard a door slam upstairs. A naked, whimpering Amy came down carrying her clothing. Bernie and a couple of the other girls went over to comfort her. Bernie came over to the guys a few minutes later.

"Amy is really scared for Penny. She thinks Kurt's going to kill her when he's done with her."

Raj comforted her. "We have a plan. We'll need three of the girls to help out."

"Whatever you guys want."

The Captain and Leonard prepared the special beverages as Howard and Raj explained to the girls what they would be doing. They understood what their task was.

A few minutes later Priya, Ramona and Stephanie went up the stairs with beverages for the three men guarding the entrance to Penny's rooms. They had unbuttoned their blouses almost completely so the pirates upstairs would be distracted. The girls made sure to bend over as much as possible once they'd reached their victims. The pirates were so distracted by the girls' bounty that they quickly drank the grog they'd been served. The others downstairs heard them as they fell over unconscious.

Now it was Sheldon's turn. He pulled together all of his Captain-y haughtiness and authority, drew his cutlass and headed upstairs to rescue the woman he loved. He walked over the unconscious and now-trussed-up guards and kicked open the door to Penny's rooms. He immediately saw a naked, sobbing Penny on the bed with her hands tied to the bedposts and that bastard Kurt standing over her, pantsless with a whip.

"Get away from her!" cried Sheldon.

Kurt attempted to whip the cutlass out of Sheldon's hand. It didn't work. Sheldon advanced on him. Kurt tried to get his own cutlass. Sheldon quickly moved between Kurt and the chair his things were piled on. Kurt tried to leap at Sheldon. Sheldon defensively raised his cutlass. And Kurt landed on it. It was very messy.

Sheldon was in shock. He had killed a man. Sheldon stood there shivering. A couple of the girls came in and untied Penny but before they could even get her dressed she ran over to Sheldon and put her arms around him. She held him tight and quietly guided him out of her rooms and across the hall to his. She closed the door behind them.

In his rooms Penny kept Sheldon in her embrace as he continued to shiver. After awhile…

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

"I killed a man. I'm a murderer."

"Sheldon, I'm pretty sure that when Kurt was done he was going to kill me and probably anyone else left in the tavern. You saved my life."

"That's one way to look at it."

"Well, I think it's the only way to look at it. Sheldon, how did you get past his men?"

"I was on my way back to surprise you when the business I was conducting was completed early I ran into your three friends from the Apothecary. They explained the situation and aided me in overcoming the three guards."

"They? Aided? You? Those three?"

"Not in the way you think. They put powders in the guard's grog that rendered them unconscious while they were being distracted by your nearly naked co-workers. If you wish to reward them I would not object."

"Sheldon, there is only one person here I'll be rewarding."

"Penny, I'm a bit confused. Your life was in real danger yet here you are comforting me."

"You seemed to need it a little more than me right now. I have a feeling that in a little while, when I realize what could have happened to me I'll be the one needing comforting."

"And I will be here for you."

"What will _you_ be wearing?"

"I don't understand…" And that was when Sheldon realized that Penny wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing. He quickly got up and gave her a blanket.

"Thanks. But on a positive note, you're finally seeing me naked."

"So I am. And so you are."

"Is it giving you any ideas?"

"More like goals."

"So nothing is going to happen now?"

"Do you really think that would be appropriate, considering the circumstances?"

"Probably not. Should I get dressed then?"

"I would suggest a hot bath."

"That'll work."

_Down in the tavern_

Bernie came over to the guys' table.

"Penny says thank you for your help. She's with the Captain now. She'll talk to you tomorrow. But she also said to tell you that if you want any of us to go home with you it's on the house."

Leonard thought for a minute.

"I think we've had enough excitement for tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

The three men left the bar and walked home.

"So, that was pretty nice of you to help the Captain save Penny. You know that there is no way she's ever going to give you any consideration now."

"Yeah, I know. But it was the right thing to do. And I think Penny mentioned something about having a sister. In the meantime that Priya looked pretty cute."


End file.
